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Unfair price

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I have inside me...

... a love that has won a million fights and has been defeated in the easiest battle.


...a love that has been transformed in a precious friendship.


...a love that has been always neglected and suffocated.


...a love that has been the most powerful thing I've ever felt and has imploded within me.


They are not trapped.
They have been faced to their bones and now just pushed back at the bottom of my soul with all those others stories who could be and never were,
all those moments I could just picture in my mind and never became true,
all those moments that were never truly followed by other real moments.

And what for?

Why do I keep all these loves inside for?

For the new one to arrive and be hindered at the entrance?

For the new person here to love me to be accused of being someone he is not?

For me to have prejudices that have destroyed other potential relationships?


For me to think that I am not enough for him.
Because he is pure, he is positive, dynamic and adult
he is one of those who fall and then stand back on their feet
and be happy just because of that,
just because he can get over things and enjoy the present.

And I, I am corrupted and always chained to my past
I can never let the pain go for good
All those loves destroyed me
and every time I just relive all the pain I have felt all over again,
because someone somewhere destroyed me
whether willingly or not, he did.

And now everyone who comes after that, 
now, he coming after that,
has to pay the price, 
an unfair price.
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Comments

rivercat said…
I think I've learned from all my past experiences. The hardest lesson I learned was when you are really thinking youre in love but inside you have these things that really are just not being discussed
and then after awhile, after you realize the infatuation and exploring each other's bodies thing is fading a little, that those things are a burden that you won't carry again, and you wouldn't have realized it unless you went through the bud, bloom and fatal destruction of the relationship. In other words instead of seeing things as baggage, you can see tham as badges of learning about yourself.
And about finding super woman or man, I do think I wouldnt want one of those. Id rather slowly hash though each others insanity with an open mind, and as equals no matter what the satus or lack thereof of the person.I see my comment now as pretty boring. A rehash of learning from exerience and trying to be understanding and keeping an open mind. I liked this :)
16 March 2011 at 11:18
AnnaFullStop said…
Uhm, I believe that the we never truly learn from mistakes although we always think we can. We can learn how to be prudent, how to avoid something, but what we never learn is how to avoid the problem in the first place.
yes, there is a baggage that you always carry and there are things that you learn about yourself in the process of destruction, but that baggage can never be hidden forever, you can hide it sure, you can avoid thinking of it or pouring it into any other relation you have, but it is still there and lives on in every thing you say, every stupid little wound you perceive, every tickle of joy you feel.

And as for learning about each other's insanity with an open mind, that is my point. Everyone is perfect on the surface, whenever I meet someone I like I can't wait to learn about all his insanities..that what makes us unique after all!

:)
16 March 2011 at 12:34
rivercat said…
ok, how about "our badges of baggage" worn proudly (or not) on our outfits. OOur badges with bags engraved on them we've been rewarded for getting through a failed relationship :) or something like that. They aren't too bad unless youre an eagle scout or whatever they call the girl scout with a chest full of badges( if there is such a thing) :)
18 March 2011 at 20:05
AnnaFullStop said…
ahahhah I like the idea! And that actually could be the right approach...be proud for getting through failure and actually survived pain and destroyal! I like that!
I'm going to draw mine soon :)
18 March 2011 at 20:17
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