Just Maybe Forse Ciao

Checking the phone every 5 minutes at first, then every hour, then pretending not to check it, then checking it once every 3-4 hours. You expect a call that day after day you don't even remember why he should call in the first place, why, when he already said he wouldn't. You try and remember what he said last time...no no no..wait..the content of the last message, maybe you missed out something, maybe he meant more than what he said. And then realising you are just fooling yourself, because you know he meant just what he meant and there is nothing you can add that was really possibly inside his mind. Nothing at all, you are not in his mind. You try to tell yourself it's over and to believe you can move on. And you can, why not, you just don't want to really, why would you, wrapped up in that future with him you will never get to live. And you are hurt as you didn't even know you could be right now, not after your heart went in pieces in Amsterdam, not again. And th...

One possibility in a million is not enough anymore. I wanted to chase it, I wanted to chase you but sure without casting my jealous heart into a stone nothing can be done, really, right? And I won't be able to please myself with that possibility in a million that you will be looking this way one day. Even though you are, you have been, one in a million. Not when this distance you impose destroys every heart-shaped desire I might have of you. I don't trust you, no, I don't. I think every woman is bound to love you and I think you will sleep with each and everyone of them just because you can. No, I don't trust that possibility in a million that is all I can beg - not even ask, beg -for. When all your pictures show places I don't know, moments I have not lived and persons I have not met, when I realise that I will never know your moves, your emotions, your tears while dripping yourself in the snow, this winter. And those blonde ones, th...

You believe you have everything under control, don't you? You believe you cannot fall this time, you won't be hurt, you won't allow yourself to go down that way, not again. You set some rules, not to fall, not to lose control, cause you don't have the right mindset, and it's not the right time, is it? Cause it seems he knows much better than you do what's expected and what's too much, and all you can do is comply to your desire not to lose your mind and heart, also, on the way. Just remember, you can avoid it, sure you can, everyone does, everyone who, unlike you, manages to block feelings, and doesn't hit the ground., everyone who, like him, feels it's not the time, it's not worth it, it's not the right way of living. Cause love alters you, and all you need is not to feel the alteration which makes you a different person, a worse version of yourself no-one really likes, surely not him, surely not even you with him. Thes...

I don't even know how much time I spent in the shower, with the water getting colder and me, sitting in the bath, crying those tears I had been bottling up for weeks. Those words never said resounded in my mind. It was over, I had known it for weeks. So why now? why now the tears? Thinking that deep down I wished I had never met him, how bad is that? I wished I had never let myself fall this way, I wish I had been more careful, I wish I had recognised the signs. And then cursing the fate for that night, too much alchol and too much hope in that foreign land. And I cannot be less, you see, I cannot be less than that, I cannot love less, want you less, suffer less. I wish I could be that carefree person you want me to be. And him, before you. And tell me, are you afraid? Afraid of me? Do you hate me? Do you even see me? How can I show you who I am, who we can be, if you don't let me? But remember me, you will remember me, when you'll feel alone and no-one will be there to...

Feeling like the trash put away out of the door. As if I was not good enough to be let in, as if I could never be first choice, as if I was garbage, something which can be put aside and be dealt with later. Feeling like the last thought on someone's mind, non attractive, not appreciated, nothing at all, as if my existence or disappearance wouldn't make any difference. And feeling taken for granted, just one in the million, just another burden, a nuisance because after all I don't matter, I never mattered. I was just a passtime of a stupid eventless summer, and I will always be the one to go, the one never missed, the one never called back, the one begging for attentions I will never have. Because no-one really cares if I am hurt, cause I am strong, oh so strong you are Anna, aren't you? I will get over this, as usual, I am independent and will move on, I will find someone to have sex with as soon as I want, cause that is all I can always have an...

You think you need lightness and I am heaviness, well done, I remove my luggage from here. You think you make the same mistake with every girl you meet , and I think 'just great, I am one just like the others'. You think you need a special occasion to see me, three months, one year, it doesn't matter to you and me, again, I remove myself from your string of time, cause I make time matter. You think you cannot trust me, after all, you think I cannot really care for you or love you or really wanting you near the way I say I do. You think everything is bound to die sooner or later, then why bother? Perfect, then I will have to do it, to show you you are wrong, or shall I realise your self-fulfilling prophecy? Would you be happy then? I won't tell you that you have a heart. A heart which could love and could love me. While kissing you by a winter sea on the Strait, and once again breathing in your beard and telling you how much I care, if you can ...