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Carcass

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I am dealing with the carcass of your memory.
You left it here, you will never collect it.
Present.
Still.
Disgusting and yet appealing.
It makes me sick every day,
it suffocates me.


Terrified to face you,
terrified to find you changed.
Terrified to see your body melted in a bunch of rotten bones.
Terrified to talk to you and not get an answer
Terrified to try a way back to you somehow
Terrified to accept that it's over.

That I won't talk to you.
That I won't kiss you.
That I won't see you.
That I won't mock you.
Ever again.

And your carcass, the carcass of who we were,
the evidence of a disturbing present
always at my doorstep.

Out of breath,
out of hope,
out of love.

Because of you.

This can't be the end.

I'll go and find myself out there.

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Location: Ohrid, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia

Comments

rivercat said…
the thing is that theses apparitions before the fact as I think of them are more us than the other person. Half of me is kind of proud of myself, yes, the other is still in the tangle. I think this is where you are really and I dont even know you! Is it true? or am I just imagining?
4 July 2011 at 14:50
AnnaFullStop said…
that is absolutely true. Half of me feels like an heroin, really romanticized version of myself. The other half is dramatically real and still does not really get it...I am there squeezed in the middle of my two selves and even though sometimes I don't even recognize things as they are belonging to me or not, I still know it's all me..ant that is scary.
5 July 2011 at 12:30
rivercat said…
I understand that. I am suffering through a happy/sad complex where I am happy and sad at the same time. I tend to over fantasize about people and what a relationship would be like, and the truth is I am just scared. I dont understand the concept of thinking anymore. I want to be a zombie because it would be so easy.
ha!
5 July 2011 at 13:31
AnnaFullStop said…
oh well that sounds a lot like me I am afraid. You are scared. I am just distrusting myself and others at the point that I don't really see the need for thinking sometimes and I hate myself for doing that. If you find a way to become a zombie let me know.
5 July 2011 at 16:12
rivercat said…
i also am changeable and i think im in love with a figment of my imagination and that has me all sad. i dont know if youve ever felt like that but it isnt a good feeling. im trying to do stuff to not think about it but that is not working so well. I feel immature
off beat and want to crash this plane already if you know what i mean! ( not suicide!)
eek
5 July 2011 at 18:47
AnnaFullStop said…
This seems awfully familiar to me. The idea that we feel immature I think has to do with the fact that we don't feel the way we are supposed to feel, don't suffer the way we are supposed to suffer, we don't love the way we are supposed to love. We love a fragment of our past, that perfect moment where everything made sense and we try to recreate that moment that exists in our imagination in everyday,...but it cannot work...and that is just frustrating.
6 July 2011 at 07:10
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