Auguri My Ex Love - Too Long & Meaningless Stream of Consciousness

SORRY READERS FOR TODAY'S POST. I NEEDED TO.

It is too late. For everything.

I AM OUT OF YOUR LIFE TODAY.

I perceive the 'forever' in that.

Today, quite different from one year ago.

Two different girls in two birthdays, you must feel so lucky, oh no...maybe not lucky because one was me.

How many real loves can someone have in less than one year?

And I was there for the 29th. I guess no one remember the 29th, after he has the 30th and a girl that surely in two months of daily affair gave you more than I did in our 9 months...

What did she gave you? A book? Some tickets for concerts?
I would have booked a Ferrari day for you this year...it was all planned for months. NEVER MIND.
Anyway, Auguri. 30. You are 30.

I am wearing the earrings you gave me, the only thing left of you, as if today I was grieving, honouring the dead. I am wearing them to make my pain look more elegant.

Miss you, somehow. A memory of you. Unreal you.
Even if you are a miserable, immature, heartless person
who does not resemble my ex boyfriend at all
while I am not your ex girlfriend anymore, just one amongst the others.
 
Even if you have proven to be just a simple pleasure seeker,
incapable of facing life, avoiding pain,
and you denied me and our love,
denying all the words and all the promises
building walls between us,
pretending it was all a fake, all a big hallucination brought just by needs in certain period of time.

Even if you love someone else, cause you felt single much before you left me, and you'll now do with her all the things you did with me and have new love pics instead of ours without feeling weird. And you make love to her cause you never truly desired me the way I desired you.

My b'day wishes, even if you said me you love her with the same grin you had while you said you loved me, because probably you say 'I love you' so easily to girls who just are near you for a while and fall for you.


You are the one who left me there at the airport without even caring for 4 hours,
after the most romantic gesture I ever did, while I was practically leaving my heart in your hands and you let it drop and watched it crushing on the floor.

You did not understand that gesture at all and its poetry and romance. Later on, you did the same again, not understanding the album I sent you, its beauty, with all those hurting memories, pages and pages of our beauty. Look, how much love you trashed away...look how much love I gave you that just disgusted you.

You never understood my craziness, For you everything became so rational, as we never were crazily, hopelessy, in love...


Perhaps you never understood me, and this is why now you can think of me whatever suits you, it doesn't really matter, far away as you are. And I still somehow feel your breath on my neck...

You never gave me the chance to really talk, you dismissed me with a single email, that said anything at all. You never faced me, you never gave me explanations, truths, you never really wanted to listen to my truths. 

You shut the door, banged it in my face. I cannot forgive you because you never truly gave us a chance to fix things, you refused to see how much I changed for you.

You just were a coward. A coward saying 'Too much honesty, I am not used to it, I don't want to talk about it.' Too easy. A coward, cause you left the question 'what if we tried again?' pending forever.

You are the one who managed to give me the most terrible news, without even looking at me, almost smiling, almost awaiting for congratulations cause you found my replacement so soon and now you can have your simple life and happiness. You are the one who told me 'I wouldn't have remembered our anniversary, I am a different person now'. Yes, a shitty person. 


I thought you were looking for real love, now I see you just grab any love that cross your way, turning it into what you think you want. You said 'we should be careful to whom we love at our age', but you just meant you didn't want another chance with me, you didn't want to love ME, you needed to love whoever else.

You talked with her at the phone in front of me, to make her real. Once again, reminding me how easily you fall in love, and how probably it was never love you felt for me. Because I still strive to push aside and control those memories of us hunting me (...I was singing at the back of your bike...'Supper's ready' playing while I was half asleep in your bed...) that you disregarded and replaced so easily, instead.

You are the one who asked me to leave you alone, with that mafia style call,after promising and swearing you wanted to help me, just out of pity.

You are the one who denied me the right to be listened to, you shut me up as people do with annoying children. 'I haven't read it and I won't read it as well as your text last Sunday, I am through all this', two days after saying you were worried for me.
You denied me the right to talk to you, you cut all communications, jeopardising every further relation between us.

You are the one who intentionally hurt me, telling me things you knew could kill me, denying us and our love, underestimating it, calling our love an adventure, an adventure that was over.
I never did such a thing, I never intentionally hurt you, and whenever I did it I've always tried to make it up and you know that.

You are the one who, in a selfish way, never tried to apologize to me, you never questioned yourself, you never wondered what wrong did you do to me, how much pain you inflicted, and yet, you needed to.
 
You are the one who mocked my romance and my love, you said words like 'marriage, wife, children, Chiara and Cedric remember?, forever, destiny, and you are the one who, most of all, truly proved undeserving of them when your volatile heart labelled us short and volatile. 
I can't forget why I can't forgive you, my love.
I know some part of you still cares for me.
And this is probably what I cannot stand, that you just care.
And fell in love again with someone else after three months, a sign that you probably never truly loved me, again, I repeat to myself.

I don't want to save anything of us, every happy memory is infected, they weren't true cause your feelings weren't true. I just want to erase them all, we don't have any real happy memory. I need to forget you. If only I never met you.

I don't want to remember whether we were happy or not, it wasn't real, anything has been real, it was just hallucination. Combination of factors, as you said.

I am bound not to be indifferent to you, that's the reason for such an end, for us.

And I hate what you made of me, I hate what I've become after you. See, how damaged you left me, making me believe in true love, our love, and then denying it like that, as if it was just a game, a script we played for others and not for us.

Half of me could always hate you, the other half will always love you.
Torn.
 
That's the punishment I deserve, for hurting you when I did hurt you. Believe me, I paid my dues.


And I, I really never thought, after meeting you, I could live my life without having you near. I never thought you could be gone forever. You were my perfect love. And I, I did love you so,  much more than you'll ever feel, you are not dark enough, not anymore, to see my light, as you used to do. You will never have anyone loving you as I did, loving your shadows more than your lights. I did love you. I loved you with all my heart when no one else could.

But right now I am only terrified of you, of the thought of having you near, of the pain you inflicted me, without even realising. That's why I don't even want to text you today.
I will have to always remember, you were the one shutting the door to me, for good, as well as you were the one swearing you would never leave me, cause we were meant to be, I was the most exciting experience of your life and still, you couldn't figure out that I was keen on doing all the things I did for you.

And I hope one day, in another life, when both of us are cats, you'll find that an effort to win my trust back, to try and fight my resistance towards you, to try and find your way back in my heart somehow, is something worth fighting for, even if, you said, I was just a short volatile affair, which left you nothing at all apart from some nice days in Italy. Because it's you who should fight for me, I have no strength less.


And I, I hate, I hate the fact that I don't hate you, it is just that I cannot stand seeing you happy next to me if not because of me. I cannot stand the idea of talking to you and having to ask how is she, how is the one you love that is not me.

The pain is still unbearable and I am still hoping in the most stupid way and in the smallest part of me that you find a white horse somewhere, cause you'll never find another me.

And I, I will always miss you, but cannot stand you. I hate myself, but I cannot stay in yourlife, without words like 'Ti amo' or at least, 'I am sorry' or at least knowing you thought about it all without dismissing all as you did.

Fuck off, life, when I feel like suffocating because chances are I will never be able to talk to you again or see you again and you will miss me and need me and I cannot be there. Oh well, you won't miss me probably, you don't need me in your life, you never did. Especially now that you have someone who is surely even physically closer than I have ever been to you...

And you, perhaps, will never read this, and tomorrow, with U2, will be another Wonderful Day for you, in 'Our' Rome, without me.
But alas, you won't even care, that your first Rome was my b'day gift for you last year. Will you ever remember?

Oh, and you still owe me 220 Euros, shit.

Fuck off life.