When I speak of time
It is not yet
When I speak of a place
It has disappeared
When I speak of a man
He is already dead
When I speak of time
It already is no more
(Robert Queneau)
I always thought I wanted to die to see what the world looks like in my absence. But then, it is not death that I am talking about, it is disappearance. Three exact months without seeing him, today. Three months from that day at the airport, when, left alone, I listened to 'Run' for 4 hours in a row. Three months not of his absence, but of his disappearance.
His disappearance that continues to lead a clandestine existence, exerting an occult influence in me. Infinitesimal doses of his disappearance back in my life everyday. Through memories, in dreams, in sounds from the past that I cannot fight away.
It is disappearance even more than absence.
Absence is when someone is not where he is expected to be found, when something is simply not there or simply doesn't exist.
Disappearance, instead, is when someone becomes impossible to see or find. Or it ceases existing at once.
Absence mst likely has a reason, Disappearance is just meaningless.
Therefore, today, after three months without seeing him, I feel his disappearance more than his absence, he not only is not where he was supposed to be, at my side, but he has become impossible to find, to see, and, even though I could find or see him in a way if I wanted to, he just stopped, he just decided to cease existing for me.
Disappearance more than absence.
And if the absence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess this is not even the case. My heart couldn't grow any fonder. It just hurts more and more in his disappearance.
And it is not even the case for him, cause my absence is only pushing him away from me even more.
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