Heartless

When you lose the possibility to live someone
the way you would want to live him,
it feels like an invisible hand has pierced your stomach,
penetrated your soul and taken away everything that used to weight you down.

But, you feel empty and not light for some reason,
and all you can think of is how many possibilities he trashed
that you still try to recollect,
not to lose them all, cause they were all beautiful, oh so beautiful.

Sometimes, it happens that you just want to curl up and stay there
near, silent, close to him, who doesn't deserve any of these tears,
who doesn't care if you are there at all,
who doesn't even remember who you are,
who can celebrate when you leave,
cause you are a nuisance, a ball on a chain, a pain
and he doesn't like you anymore,
he never really liked you.

And you can't help it, just want to stay there next to him.
You just want to be with him,
who dreams of other women, other bodies, sexual as you are not anymore for him.

You listen to the sound of your voice, 

to understand why he doesn't miss it.

Is it not smooth and sweet enough?

You look at yourself in the mirror, 

to understand why he doesn't want you.

Are you too fat? Too short perhaps? Too ugly?

Your eyes and hair are just brown, 

maybe he likes blond girls with blue eyes?

You try to speak about something serious and smart, 

to understand why he doesn't care if you are gone.

Are you not bright enough? Are you not interesting enough?

And then you understand,
he doesn't see you, he sees your horrible mask, 
the one you put on for your own defence 
and you don't know when he stopped seeing the real you.

You remember when he used to miss you
while singing by the fire last summer,
when he thought that was almost like love
whatever you were sharing,
his nameless best personalised emotion.

And now all you ask is a heartless Christmas.
One without this unwanted love,
unwanted as you are for him.

All you really want though,
all that your mind and heart and soul do not dare to speak,
is a sign, a signal, his gesture,
something, anything
which says that what you felt,
the vicinity, the complicity, the shivers, the love,
the possibility for a mature personalised emotion,
the possibility for an island with the shape the both of you decided to give, 
were not in vain, were not one-way only,

Deep down, all you want is
something that simply says:
'don't go, you are a bit special, you are beautiful, you are important'.

And instead, you stop writing,
cook dinner,
ignore the fact that you feel
repulsive,
transparent,
useless,
an annoying intruder for him,
and just carry on,
cause nothing today will say 'don't go'
and he is not going to see anything more than
your mask,
not the real you, anymore,
and he couldn't possibly love a mask.

And you have no clue how to change that.