Just Maybe Forse Ciao

Cara nonna... Dear Grandma... I am chewed by the world, at times I feel like suffocating. I am half within, half without, I am afraid I will not make it as I wish I could. And you turned whiter than pale last Monday and this is my goodbye. And I am 'moved', shifted. Spostata . There are so many things I wanted you to know and so many others I wished you never knew. Because I stopped being 10 a while ago and a smile doesn't make up for the mistakes I do. I wished I didn't turn so pale when I saw you with that white hair, as your hair had been always black, it was your thing after all. And all those times you slipped me money when grandpa was not watching, cause he was grumpy all the time and we were a team to fool him. I wished I had hugged you more back then. Or told you that I had the best grandma ever, cause you were. I wish I could have told you that I have learned how to love. Did you know that Antonio broke my heart when I was only 18 and I am still ...

Tell me something which is not easy. With words. For once. And does it make sense at all to believe in something, anything impalpable at all? When we only accept the love we think we deserve. And we judge harshly and we cannot trust a love which comes without the ties without the boundaries of a relationship. We cannot trust a love which asks us to be the 'everywhere' just cause distance and time, they do not matter

Time dissolves that which is superfluous and keeps the essential. I have learned that any love can work just as long as it is not too strong. All there is, is an obsession of a single moment that we decide to elevate to greatness. You think of her in the past the chemistry she was for you. And you choose to forget. you did not really love her, you stopped you couldn't. She was not the one. And you know it. It is just easier to hold on to something you have lived and known than to jump into something else unknown and unpredictable. Cause It can hurt. Again. It is just easier to convince ourselves to love what we have already loved or to love what brings love. for the sake of sanity for the comfort of safety and balance. It reminds me of him and his simple pleasures. What is wrong with that I tend to never forget. The fallacy of believing that simple pleasures can make us happy. Never true,  Never healthy. Whe...

The face you have depends on the light that touches you. In the picture,  in that picture. Your hair. Yes. Looks different. Or not. 'Se mo laoch mo ghile mear He is my hero, my dashing darling 'Se mo chaesar, ghile mear He is my Caesar, dashing darling Ni fhuaras fein aon suan ar sean I've had no rest from forebodings O chuaigh i gcein mo ghile mear Since he went far away, my darling You can move on from your best personalised  emotion... but you cannot leave. And when you try to leave  an unwanted window on his present brings you back. Brings him back. And he still lives. He still says the things you heard him say. He takes pictures. And he cut his hair. And you don't know why. And you don't know him. And your heart. Ah well, that has left you. And all the lies you tell when the loved one asks how you are and he cares and worries cause you are ...

The smell of coffee, some porridge with chocolate powder, the sound of rain outside. All the love I am, all the love I can. You cannot make anyone love you, and you cannot make yourself love you. And you have forgotten. Me. I am not that girl. As I give importance to the most stupid and smallest details and I dislike visibility of love the cheap trap everyone seems to fall into. I seem to like the ruins of the past where everything is hidden and everything is still and everything completes the present. And it gives meaning to love. Yes, You have forgotten me and I cannot forget what it felt like beside you. All the love I was, all the love I could. I am not that girl. I wasn't born for the trap of visibility and the present. in love.

Did you brush you teeth this mornign, or were you in a hurry? Did you swear against everything, did you lose your patience? Did you feel like suffocating for all that's missing? Did you realise already that we only accept the love we think we deserve? And that we ruin everything that is more than what we think we deserve because of that? Did you know? Do you know that I know that you don't think you deserve much after all so you cannot accept more than that? Do you know that I know that when I talked about you as if you were this great person, you were probably thinking ' Who the fuck is she talking about?'.  Does that person I talked about even exist? Of course. As Oscar Wilde wrote, it is only in true love that we see the real person we love - more clearly than he/she or other sees them - ...and when the love ends we want to trash that memory of the truest nature of our loved one by saying 'I don't know you anymore' ...

" I want painful ... difficult ,  devastating ,  life - changing , extraordinary love " Cause a love which is not worth feeling inside like a sword down your throat is  not love, I have  always thought. And I have known all the symptoms very well, when I am aching inside cause  London is swallowing me once more these days, without pity or mercy, asking more of me  than I have. More time, more money, more energy, more competition for what, I don't  know. Like all the people I have loved, fully, London that some days takes  everything of me.  As I am a leader, and I kick and scream when I cannot lead, myself, my heart,  my life.  Like all the men I have loved fully, of that blind love I seem able to give and that  remains like a sword down my throat, London as well is too big and constantly  reminds me   of how much of me is out there and how little stays inside  me. ...